Living with Autism!

It is a tough thing to deal with discrimination. It is almost built into our society. Americans generally look down on poor people from America. They look at us like it is are fault. The same people donate to families in similar situations in other countries. i admit there are some people who are just free loading and riding the system. Although since Clinton The system has been more strict. Discrimination based on a disability is more grey of an area. Generally people with a physical disability that is noticeable are not discriminated against as much as say a person with Autism or Schizophrenia. A person missing there arms or legs people can see it tangibly. A person with Autism on the other hand might and often looks normal and at times acts normal. So people that are very superficial think that a child is just being a brat or the parents are bad. People like myself look and act normal most of the time yet are mentally disabled and struggle with daily routines, memory, and anxiety. We suffer from really obsessive behavior and really depressed times for no apparent reason. We can be fine for a period of time and then be stuck in our heads for a period of time. The point is from the outside I can see how one might think somebody like myself is just lazy or less than them. I appear and at times can be very normal very intelligent and witty. I worked my whole life until 2004 at that point in time I began the downward spiral of depression. I have always been bipolar, manic depressive and suffered from anxiety. I just skated by in life and did not know I was different then anyone else. i thought everyone was like me. In 2004 I first lost my good paying job of 5 years. My first natural born son had been born and I nearly lost my right hand in an accident at work. My wife was pregnant with our daughter Alissa and i couldn’t wipe my but for a month. It took that long to get comfortable with my left hand as I am right handed. We went from a middle class family to a poor family in a matter of months. We were getting behind on bills and rent and I began to withdrawal inside myself. I did not realize it and my mind had put on a good front as to hiding my feelings. I completely lost confidence in myself and for the first time I realized something was wrong with me. Yet i did not know what to do and tried to remain strong. Jobs were slim and temporary and i began to become more and more withdrawn and paranoid about being hurt at work. I was loosing control fast of my mind and there was no turning back. I became so scared at work of being hurt I was super careful as in really slow at doing my job. Today’s society slow is not an option you got to put out more for less period. I began to have physical symptoms of pain and irregularities in my biological functioning. Somewhere around this time in late 2004 I slipped completely out of reality and into my head and was stuck on auto pilot. Now people who knew me knew something was not right but couldn’t put a finger on it. They thought I was lazy or something I don’t know. When you are mentally disabled you are  stigmatized as lazy or dangerous or less than. People really do not realize that a mental disability is just as disabled as those with physical disabilities. Mental disabilities are hidden from the mask of superficial light. Those who are struggling are afraid to admit they need help and hide and struggle alone. They do not want to be labeled or look down upon. They eventually get help usually the hard way. They have a breakdown or worse kill themselves. Why do people discriminate? i believe it is because deep down they see a part of themselves in the mentally disabled person. It scares them so much that they deny it could be possible and by default deny that the mentally disabled can be true. They go with the flow of society and ignore the moral feelings that are in every human been and eventually they do not have the moral feelings anymore and become cold and hardened to the society they belong to. They give to other countries to make themselves feel justified about themselves. Stop discriminating people look right out in front of you and when you see a part of yourself in the lazy no good faking sob mooch stop and realize that in the blink of an eye it could be you . You can become the one you deny exists. The question is do you believe you are a no good mooching lazy sob? No you are struggling and you are disabled and you are working really hard to over come the difficulties you are facing. You are looking up to the people who you were at one time standing side by side with and seeing the disgust and despise in their eyes and you can’t understand how they could look at you that way, how they could treat you that way? You then realize they are doing the same thing you wee doing and you feel worse about yourself. You then beat yourself up and make things worse. Finally you get the ah ha moment and realize something is wrong with you and you ignore the stares and the disgust and you seek help and you attempt to get better. If you are lucky your therapist/doctor get your meds right the first time and you begin to mentally feel better and you begin to put the pieces together of the puzzle that is your life. You begin to get confident and help yourself and others. You become a human being again and work on the difficulties and gain support from your loved ones. You realize that you may never fully recover , yet you realize that by learning coping techniques and new routines you can have a semi normal life. If you are like most though the meds are wrong the first few times and you become a human test subject. You may become worse than before you were treated. you may develop a personality that you have never had. You may slowly lose the support and trust of your loved ones. Your spouse may give up on you. You will struggle to stand back up over and over again and try over and over again to take the step down the right path. Eventually if you don’t do yourself in first you find the path you see the light and you walk painfully one step at a time at first. Only you may notice the difference and you slowly began to walk that path and you start feeling confident and things go pretty well for awhile. This is the crucial point you must not wander from the path cause you are centered and on a very thin line. Keep doing what has worked and keep taking your meds. Gradually the path will become a trail and eventually a road. The road back to were you started in civilization. Now maybe you would think twice about that mentally disabled person trying to find their way. You may have compassion for them and understanding and give them a hand up not a push down. You may stand up for them and speak out against the people discriminating. You have come full circle and are now centered. you do not see yourself as right or wrong, good or bad. You see only truth and humility. You see the circles people are in and notice they are all at a different stage in that circle. You pray that they find there path and make it to the center. They see that they are the same as you and everyone else. They see that life is more than what type of car you drive or where you live. How much money you have or who you know. Who is tougher and who is weaker. They see that everyone is all of these things in one aspect or another. That given time and observation they will be where you are and you will be where they are. So the answer to why people discriminate is simply fear. Fear of admitting that they have had the same problem or might have the same problem you have. It is said that people plan by their hopes and dreams but live according to their fears. I know i have a problem and though i keep standing up and brushing myself off I am still blind and unable to see the path i must walk. i am getting closer as my eyes are starting to see. Please do not discriminate or push down on people like me, Pull us up and remind us of our dream.